writing.markfullmer.com

We’ve all received those letters in the mail. You know, the ones explaining some change in our credit card plan or phone bill surcharge, full of sophisticated and professional language, but near impossible to understand. Here’s a really bad example:

With respect to the 76-minute interruption of service on August 15 due to unexpected levels of user demand which coincided with scheduled maintenance of our backup systems and unrelated technical problems at our customer call center, apologies are offered to any of our valued customers who experienced inconvenience as a result.

We stare at them for awhile, then give up, feeling dumb or angry...or both.

Why couldn't it simply have said:

Technical problems on August 15 interrupted service. We apologize for the inconvenience.

The problem: they write what they want to hear

Business writing often doesn’t take the reader into account. Instead, it writes from the company's point of view--in the above example, the company hides the fact that they botched their service in technical jargon and then conceals the apology at the very end ("apologies are offered"?! who talks like that?).

The solution: write for the reader

To do this, you should ask yourself these questions (this goes for more than just business writing):

• What do my readers need to know? (not ‘what does our company need to know?’)
• In what order do they need to know it?
• What words will they understand best? (not ‘what is the exact wording in our industry?’)
• How can I visually organize the page to help the reader navigate information?

Below is an example of a fairly good business letter, which explains an area code change. Read it, then decide what you think helps the letter be more readable:

Effective Choices

It's good. But we can improve it.

1. What do readers need to know? The very first sentence delays the main point by trying to 'sell' the company:

This rewrite focuses on the customer's point of view:

2. In what order do readers need to know information? The company is changing something. Customers need to be reassured. This notice could have explained earlier that customers' area codes wouldn't be changing, and it could have said just that instead of the convoluted sentence, "An overlay does not require customers to change their existing area code."

• Also, many of the sentences delay their main point

3. What words will readers best understand?

• Passive voice sentences often confuse readers:

[passive] “An overlay is the addition of another area code.”

[active] “An overlay adds a new area code.”

[passive] “The 657 area code will be added to the area served by 714.”

[active] “We will add the 657 area code to the 714 region.”

• Some terminology may not be familiar to readers (“same geographic region,” “new dialing procedure,” “landline phone”)

• There are wordy, unnecessary phrases:

The new 657 area code will serve customers in the same geographic region as the current 714 area code, which includes the communities of Anaheim...)

• It uses repetitive wording [this can potentially be a good thing]

This is known as an area code overlay. What is an area code overlay? An overlay is the addition...

4. How can I visually organize the page to help the reader navigate information? The laundry list of cities could be more visually accessible through a bullet-list format:

• Finally, though this may seem like a minor detail, the capitalized headings are harder to read. Note the difference:

I Wanna Know More!

For further ideas on writing in the workplace, visit Purdue University's online writing lab article, Workplace Writers