Why Women Shouldn't Marry: Being Single by Choice by Cynthia S. Smith & Hillary B. Smith
Copyright 2008 (updated from the 1988 edition)
Barricade Books/Nonfiction
214 pages
This particular book is obviously an odd choice for me, a woman who has been married for 26 years. I read it out of curiosity, more than for any other reason. The title implies that women should never marry, that staying single is the best option. But, the authors explain the title away:
When the first version of this book came out and was discussed on TV and radio shows, the inevitable interviewer-to-author question was: "Don't you believe in marriage? Your book tells women not to marry!"
The answer was: "This book does not tell women not to marry--but not to marry for the wrong reasons." [p. 22]
Occasionally, they do toss in a comment that supports that statement. But, in general, I found that the book discourages women from marriage, instead encouraging single women to give in to their paranoia about the little piece of paper that ties a man and a woman together legally. Some of the anecdotes are more than a little bit odd:
Vera was drawn to having affairs with married men because in doing so, she was only confirming her lack of respect for all men. In her view, their willingness to break nuptial vows only proved how untrustworthy, weak, and immoral they were.
She pointed out that she had never seen any happy marriages in her own family. Her aunt had married twice, both marriages ending badly. Her sister married a man twenty-five years her senior and was still together with him although Vera could not understand why. [p. 57]
Wait a minute! Just because Vera doesn't understand her sister's relationship doesn't mean it's automatically an unhappy relationship, does it? There are no actual supporting statements to that effect -- no quotes of angst from the sister. And, Vera has no respect for men or herself if she's the kind of person who chooses only to get involved with married men -- men who are both willing to break a vow and unavailable for permanent commitment. Immorality, in this case, is a two-way street. Are the authors saying it's better to have a series of flings than to marry a stable partner? If so, why? Is Vera happy or is she just an extremely confused woman? And, how about this woman:
She had a father who was never "there for us" and a mother who accepted the deprivation as women historically have done. She saw the marital male hierarchy of the dominant father and the subordinate wife, and the injustices imposed, and she feared that being married would make her view herself as one of those pathetic subservient wretches and would destroy her love for Paul and his for her.
"I meet women who think marriage gives them stability and reliability. I see it as doing just the opposite to me. It would make me shaky because I would lose confidence in myself and my own ability to make decisions." [p. 68]
That's interesting, but I think the quote reflects a particular woman's fears. I don't have a daughter, but if I did, I would advise her not to allow her fears to guide her. Confidence, self-assurance, ability to make decisions after weighing differing opinions . . . these things come from inside a person. Strength of character is always a positive. Marriage has not eroded my ability to make a decision, not one bit. I'm perfectly capable of making decisions and expressing myself. This comment, however, makes sense to me: